Breakfast today. Seeded gluten-free toast, a fried egg, crispy chili, and fried tomatoes. Sprinkled with sea salt and drizzled with best-quality olive oil.

I’M BACK!

Well, I wasn’t expecting to take a whole month off from writing, but that is what happened. I barely logged on to Substack; I didn’t write a WORD of my novel that is coming out in May. It looks like a 65k word crossword. A jumble of letters with words in there somewhere. Hopefully. I am getting back to it today, slightly nervous of what I will find, not gonna lie.

There is a part of me that feels horribly guilty, and another part (a much bigger part) that is smiling like a Cheshire cat. I cracked the code of burnout – take a fucking break. Who knew!

I was all set with fiction deals. I had a full-time amount of writing to do. But then I did MasterChef and my relationship with food felt emotional and deep, and so I pitched ‘Hungry Eyes’ because the need to write down my emotional connection to eating felt vital. And so among the fiction we threw in another cheeky little book. A book I felt I had to write. A love letter to my life so far. But it didn’t change the fact I still had the fiction to write. So, imagine that… writing a book, then adding another book on top of it that needed to be done first, but then immediately having to get back to the fiction because that’s been announced and it just needed to get done. My brain was exploding. Creativity shot. On top of parenting and needing to do other jobs to get paychecks and trying to look after myself and other people and not lose my tiny mind, and honestly, I’d find myself just sobbing at my desk.

I LOVE writing. I am rarely short of ideas. But I knew there was a problem because I had none. I’d sit and stare at the document, having nothing to give it. I just wanted to be in my kitchen practicing cakes. Anything but more words. I could barely even read. I’d open books and look at the words like they were insults. I was utterly worded out.

Order Hungry Eyes - It’s a belter, I promise. And if you enjoy my writing, maybe consider upgrading to paid on here too. It’s fun, I promise that too x

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I had planned this month to the minute. Kids all sorted in a camp; I was going to have a ton of writing time. Day two of the holiday and we were in A&E. We have (another) broken limb in the house, and plans have slightly changed.

All is well; everyone has a smile on their face, and it’s so ridiculous it’s almost funny, but I now ha…

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It’s Publication Day. WOO HOO.

They always feel a bit like birthdays because everyone celebrates you. Although this time, I’m at my kitchen table and piecing things together. My week didn’t go quite to plan. A little medic…

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Your boss WILL NOT notice if you have gone for an hour. Your kids will be fine. You DO NOT need to go to the gym today. The deadline can wait. (That one was for me.

At 1pm, you will get an email prompt that I am going LIVE with Josh Silver. We will be talking about the book and about being a writer. I feel I have a lot to learn from Josh, and cannot wai…

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I spend a lot of time being mortified by my younger self. I have now learned to be an easier person to be around, a good conversationalist, and not to need to make myself the focus of every room I enter. Sometimes, I catch myself slipping back into old habits. I see it and stop. Not drinking has helped a lot. The way booze rids you of inhibition is fun; it can also make you exhausting.

I feel proud of myself in those moments, and crushingly embarrassed by the thousands of times I didn’t have such self-awareness. I was so desperate to be noticed that I’d talk over people, butt in, hog conversations and do whatever I could to make it all about me. I’d often be aware I was doing it, but still convince myself that my story was the only one people wanted to hear.

I try to go easy on young Dawn; she went through a lot as a kid, and it took a lot of energy and passion to get through childhood trauma, off the little island she lived on and carve out a career in TV and publishing. But I wish I could give her a good talking to. Settle her energy, tell her desperation isn’t pretty. That standing out doesn’t have to mean overshadowing other people. And yet, sometimes I wonder if that’s how it had to be in the pre-social media entertainment world. Back then, the only way to get a job was to interview, audition or blow someone’s mind. (I said mind, you dirtbags).

Someone powerful had to give you a chance. There was no building an online following and finding a corner of the internet to thrive in. You had to walk into the room and prove that you were the person worth investing in, who could hold an audience and deliver the goods. That meant. Every room I walked into was a stage.

Please enjoy the following extract from Hungry Eyes, about a time I had an opportunity to make myself seen and went for it. Subscribe to keep reading.

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It’s 5pm, I am at my desk, and I will be here until around 8pm, when I will go home, put the kids to bed, and hopefully be tucked up and fast asleep myself by 10pm.

I love being at my desk between 5 and 8, because when you have young kids, those hours are never yours to play with. I have childcare two days a week. After school until 8pm. If nothing gets in the way of my being at my desk during that time, I generally stay on top of things. On the weeks where either my childcare falls through, or other commitments take me away…that is when mumma crumbles.

So, here I am. Classic FM is on, and I have a few things on my writing agenda.

WRITE THE BLOODY BOOK.

But also…A few of you had some writing questions, so I’ll get to those. GREAT questions, for which I have some pretty weighty answers.

My Deadline Dinner at my desk tonight is posh beans on toast, and my pudding is ridiculous; I don’t know who the hell I think I am.

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I am so so so excited to announce the revival of my book club. It started on Instagram yonks ago, then moved to Patreon, and now she will live here on Substack for however long we love it. (FOREVER AND EVER).

The reason I LOVE doing a book club is that I love books, obvs. But also, it’s a great excuse to connect with you. And ALSO, because I very often manage to persuade the authors to chat with us. And honestly, chatting to writers is my absolute favourite!

I’ll aim to choose a good mix of titles. Fiction, non-fiction, new and old. Books that will have you gripped and that will give us loads to talk about.

The session will involve a chat with the author, and you will have the chance to ask questions. I’ll either have you submit them first or do it live. I’m chatting with Substack to work out the absolute best way to do this. ALSO, there will be a ‘chat’ with me, where we can say all the things we want to say about the book.

If you haven’t joined the ‘chat’ function yet, it’s basically a text conversation with other subscribers and me. You have to be a paid subscriber to join, but if you love book chat and want to really make the most of this book club, then it’s definitely worth subscribing to.

I’m also thinking about releasing it all as a podcast after the live event. But if you want to chat to me, ask questions or join the discussion, you’ll need to upgrade. It’s a fiver a month, and you’ll be able to see all the other posts I do too.

So…without further ado, the first book I have chosen is ‘Fruit Fly’ by Josh Silver. I have almost finished it and MY GOD, I have been gripped. The premise is so good, and if you’re a fan of my books, So Lucky and Cat Lady, I think you’ll see why I love it so much. I went down some dark Internet holes when researching dogging for ‘So Lucky’. Josh’s story took me right back to those forums. YIKES.

Malorie, an author, needs a plot for a new book. She goes on Reddit to find out what it takes to write a bestseller (I’ve deff done that before;). A post reveals the formula – Go gay, go sad, go dark. So that’s what she does. She sets up a fake Grindr profile, finds herself at a chem sex party and embarks on a wild research ride as she puts together her story. It’s all centred around a man called Leo, who is in a terrible state of drug addiction and selling sex for drugs. But it’s heartfelt and deeply emotional. He wants to get better, but no one will help him. Could Malorie be the answer?

Josh has done the most phenomenal job. The sad is so sad, and the dark is SO dark. But there is also levity. Malorie is a character many of us will relate to. You will be rooting for her to break free of her own issues, and my God, this book will throw you around emotionally, but it is also funny and sometimes sweet. And for me, it just keeps on giving. It’s wild and wonderful, and I really think you’ll love it.

ALSO, Josh is going to join the chat on June 1st (time to be announced). I cannot wait to break it all down with him. He has very quickly become one of my favourite writers. I also have his teen book ‘Happy Head’ for my kid. Big Josh Silver fan over here, HUGE.

Order the book and come join the chat.

BUY FRUIT FLY

The audiobook is also brilliantly read, if you prefer that.

OK, please subscribe to keep reading about what I want from a novel, and what I try to create in my own.

Here we go. I’ve been SO excited to get going with this. See you behind the paywall x

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The reality of writing a memoir is that no one in your life wants you to write about them, but if you don’t write about them, they also get upset. So, what to do?

People tell me all the time that they would like to write a book, but can’t because others won’t like it. It’s a very real problem that has probably meant we have missed out on some of the best memoirs of all time. But it’s a valid reason not to write it because upsetting people in your life is rarely worth the bother. And yet, the ‘I have the right to tell my story’ vs the ‘Other people deserve privacy’ conundrum is well worth a debate.

I had to think about it a lot whilst writing Hungry Eyes. I am confident I found a balance in the end, but I am prepared for some people to be annoyed. I’ve been wondering what my response will be. I have certainly not intentionally written anything deliberately hurtful, but for some, being talked about in any capacity other than highly complimentary could be an issue. I’ve thought a lot about how I will respond if it comes up. I’ll just look them square in the eye and say, ‘You should have seen my first draft!’

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We are now going behind the paywall. To read this post and many more, please consider upgrading to a paid plan. I write lots and have all sorts of fun things planned. It’s worth it, promise x

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Before I start complaining, please know that I love my job. I cannot imagine a better career for me than being a writer. It satisfies every part of me; creatively, emotionally and even in motherhood. I manage my own hours and am always there for my kids despite what can only be described as… a fucking unimaginable workload. So, when I speak about the ha…

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I am at the stage I get to with every novel I write, where I think I have done loads of work on a book that is terrible and will end my career.

I love this for me.

Whenever I talk to friends about how I’m feeling, I don't get sympathy and support; instead, I get eye rolls and comments like ‘Dawn, you always do this.’

They’re not wrong. I always do this. But what if this time I’m right?

I’m trying to be pragmatic. I know I must power through. I also know that making art shouldn’t be easy. But still, fighting the urge to throw my computer into the Thames, sell everything, and go live off-grid on a mountain with 20 cats is a daily challenge.

This is what I am doing to push through this crushing episode of (creative) self-doubt. If you’re struggling too, maybe it will help.

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On my walk to work this morning, I was thinking about the books I’ve written and how they mark moments in my life. Each one has put me through its own special kind of hell, whilst also healing me and helping me push through whatever stage I was at. They’re loaded with chaos because my life is chaotic. They are messy, weird, emotional and funny. They are the inner workings of my mind, and I wouldn’t go back and rewrite a single word of any of them.

Let’s go through them, one by one, because each fictional tale holds a story of mine that is very, very real.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on them in the comments section.

Welcome to my ‘Morning Pages’. The words I write to clear my head before I can write the words that will end up in my novel. Subscribe to keep reading. We are now going behind the magical paywall of love!

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It happened to me a lot with Miranda July’s ‘All Fours’. When some of my school mums said they’d read it, I was surprised. It made me like them more. I’m such a dirtbag when it comes to fiction, and drank that book through a straw. I loved every single sentence. Absolute filth, from a writer I have loved for years, giving me every single tiny piece of herself on the page. That, to me, is everything I want from a book. When I feel like the writer has put themselves through a mangle, squeezing the dark corners of their brain out until there is nothing left. I have visions of Miranda finishing a chapter and collapsing on the floor, needing to dive into a cold lake or just wanking herself into the kind of mess you can only read about.

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